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First popup of 2024

With my back facing the front I quickly wiped away the tears welling up. My first popup of the year has been challenging in the subtlest of ways. Meeting people who appreciate my art will be meaningful and assuring in so many ways, and I want to be ready. Yet a part of me isn’t sure if I truly am but like I always say cheekily: “there’s only one way to find out.”

I befriended Ivy at the start of my journey and coincidentally, this is our first time booth-ing together. (If you’re reading this, hello Ivy!) It’s one of the many things that brought me a sense of comfort because it’ll be nice to see a familiar face.

As the sun gradually sinks into the horizon, we were all geared up to make a few more sales in the last opening hours. A middle age lady walked over to have a chat with me. She asked me about my pieces, one after another as I explained with much enthusiasm, grateful for her time. I didn’t know it was Ivy’s mom then, I merely thought of her as an inquisitive individual who took time to understand what I was attempting to express. She looked me in the eyes and expressed something along the lines of: “You’re doing amazing work. Keep going.” I replied thank you with my usual smile as my throat formed a tight knot.

My emotions were stirred like vigorous waves mixing up the settled sand underneath and I am not in an ideal place to manage such chaos—I was in a public space. But the knots in my throat tightened and the back of my nose turned sour as my vision was applied a layer of intense gaussian blur.

I imagined those exact words coming out of my dad’s mouth and, it would have… meant the world. It would have been such a moment if he was present at any one time during any of my pop ups even if it meant it’s a stop along the way to elsewhere. Perhaps all I wanted was a sense of support, approval, validation or whatever this thing is. Then I got angry because I likely did not communicate what I had wanted well enough despite all these years of being here; and left things as they were. The tears carried all that and all that is in between, and I didn’t really know what to do except to cut their act before they slide across my cheeks as I make an honest attempt at keeping it together.

I have since become an angrier and sadder person. I know it might sound scary, yet these emotions have brought along so many ideas that I look forward to formulate into visuals. These feelings that we all experience yet find it a chore to process or to face them head on, I want to make sense of them instead of running away because I believe it’s all part of being human. If leaning into them means making art that may be uncomfortable to some, then it shall be.

During the same weekend, I met another lady who looked through my works and repeatedly said: “these are so sad…” to which I respond: “really… haha…” (because I really don’t know what else to say at that point cos I am sad lol…) To her defence, she added she don’t mean it as a bad thing, but she usually avoids all these thoughts. This incident left me wondering: 

“How much of ourselves will we come to discover when we stop running away?”

Empathy vs Compassion

This has been on my mind for quite some time after listening to Dr. Robert Waldinger speaking to Steven Bartlett on The Diary of a CEO on the topic of Happiness. It hit me because of the way it’s being put and it’s so timely as I navigate between understanding how it’s like being an individual who requires support and learning to be a source of support to others.

“There’s a big distinction between empathy and compassion. So the best way to be a parent or a partner or a friend is to be compassionate and that’s not the same thing as empathy. Our society overvalues empathy. 

Empathy is feeling somebody else’s pain, that’s taking on their problems. The worst parents of teenagers are empathetic or highly empathetic people. It’s like “yeah I feel your pain” Why? Because you’re not actually helping. You got to do things that you know, “I feel your pain but I can’t be paralysed by that. On the contrary, I got to do hard things you’re not going to like son.”– Dr. Robert Waldinger

I have learned that most times helping one to build the strength and courage to move forward means removing the crutches they are so used to leaning onto.

“How do we know they have built enough strength to let go of the crutches?”

We provide them with tools to self regulate, give them space and reminders for independent application, and most importantly, believe in their capabilities. Of course, everyone forward at a different pace and some take longer than others. If you happen to be taking on the role as a crutch, it is crucial to ensure you’re a sturdy one—what does that mean?

In my opinion, that means not jeopardising life outside of being a crutch. There’s nothing more detrimental than a hollow crutch. It crumbles when leaned onto for support. Like an avalanche, it happens swiftly and before you know it, there’s a lot more to comb through in order to get to the surface. In such cases, the crutch seldom goes down alone.

I’d like to end with: “take care of your wellbeing.” Even if your intention risks being understood the wrong way or being called selfish. Stand your ground and take time to process, to be alone and to do the things that builds you up (and by that, in many cases mean doing things that you don’t feel like doing, but are good for you.) One thing I’ve noticed for myself is that when I start doing all the above, I have more capacity to listen, be patient and to reach out.

This post feels like a vomit of various thoughts that have been occupying my mind and I don’t mind it being all over the place. After all, that’s how it truly is at the moment.